The coffee in Katya’s hands had gone cold. She stood at the window, staring down at the parking lot in front of their Kyiv apartment building, and the empty space where her cherry-red Renault Sandero had been parked last night. She blinked once. Twice.
The car was gone. Not stolen by strangers. No, the spot was simply empty, with only a few cigarette butts and a crushed pigeon feather left behind. From the kitchen came the rhythmic, almost meditative sound of chewing.
Her husband Hnat, a man usually as reliable and predictable as an old cast-iron radiator, was calmly devouring his morning sandwich. The bread was thick, the sausage thicker, and the whole thing was roughly the size of a small dog. He sat in stretched-out home sweatpants, scrolling through the news on his phone with the unshakable calm of a cow on a mountain pasture. “Hnat.
”
Katy’s voice was flat. No hysteria. That icy stillness alone should have sent a chill down any normal person’s spine. “Look out the window.
My car is not there. ”
Hnat didn’t even raise an eyebrow. He took another solid bite, chewed slowly, and waved a hand. “Relax.
Zlata and Mom suddenly wanted to go to Bukovel for a few days. I gave her your keys this morning. She has a license now. Why should the car just sit under the building?
”
The apartment went silent. Katya set her cup down on the windowsill with careful, measured control. That Renault was not just a car. She had bought it with her own money, years before she ever met Hnat.
She had worked two jobs, skipped vacations, saved every spare hryvnia for it. It was her independence. Her fortress on wheels. She cleaned it with the devotion of a museum restorer and never let anyone so much as drink coffee inside.
And this man, her own husband, had handed the keys to his twenty-year-old sister without asking. Zlata. Twenty years old. A whirlwind of ambition and zero responsibility.
She had gotten her driver’s license three weeks ago, on the fifth attempt, after plowing through traffic cones with the confidence of a blind rhino on safari. And now she was taking this car halfway across the country, through mountain serpentines, from a girl who still confused the gas and brake pedals more often than she changed her Instagram filter. “So they went to Bukovel,” Katya said, with a slow, almost predatory smile. “Well, yes,” Hnat said, finally noticing the dangerous glint in his wife’s eyes.
“Katrus, why are you getting upset this early in the morning? They had a hot deal on a tour, and train tickets are impossible to get these days. I made a family decision, as the husband. ”
“Family decision,” Katya repeated quietly.
She pulled out her phone from the pocket of her housecoat. “Technical passport in the glove box, and I did not authorize anyone to drive my car. ”
“I grabbed your plastic one from the nightstand,” Hnat said cheerfully. “A document is a document.
”
Hnat was a man of crystal-clean integrity. He crossed empty streets only on the green light, even at three in the morning. A tax inspector made him sweat. A simple patrol officer inspired near-fainting reverence.
Katya raised the phone to her ear. A second passed. Then, in the voice of a panicked, law-abiding citizen who had just become the victim of a brazen crime, she said:
“Hello, 102? Good morning.
My car has just been stolen from right under my windows. Yes. Cherry-red Renault Sandero. ”
The sandwich slipped from Hnat’s frozen fingers, did a perfect somersault in the air, and landed sausage-side down on the spotless floor.
His eyes went wide as porcelain plates. He choked, gasped, and scrambled up, tangling in his own long legs. “What are you saying? I told you, I gave it to my sister!
” he shouted, his voice jumping like he’d stepped on a firecracker. Katya turned her head slowly and looked at him. The corners of her mouth twitched with a perfect predatory smile. “I have an addition to the report,” she said calmly, right into the phone.
“Right now, in my apartment, there is an accomplice to the crime. He just confessed that he gave the keys to my vehicle to a third party without my consent. Writing down the suspect’s description. One hundred and eighty centimeters, wearing gray sweatpants, attempting to flee the scene.
I’ll dictate the address. ”
Hnat went pale so fast, a vampire could have taken credit. His jaw dropped and seemed to live its own separate life. Katya gracefully pulled the phone from her ear, pressed the red button, and smiled.
“The patrol has already left. You might want to start packing. They say the macaroni in the detention center isn’t very good. ”
“Katya!
” Hnat howled, grabbing his head. His hair stood on end. “Are you insane? What police?
This is my own sister! ”
“Kidnapping, by prior agreement with a group of persons,” Katya said coolly, crossing her arms. “Three to seven years. With confiscation.
The car is my private property. I did not give Zlata the technical passport, and I did not authorize her to drive. She is behind the wheel absolutely illegally. And you took the keys without my knowledge.
A clear criminal article. ”
Hnat was breathing like a hunted horse. Panic overtook him completely. He sprinted to the kitchen, grabbed his phone, and frantically dialed his sister.
The rings dragged on forever. Finally, a cheerful, carefree voice answered. “Yes, Hnatik? We’ve already packed the entire trunk.
Mom took three suitcases, barely fit them. I’m entering the route to the thermal waters in Kosyno into the navigator. ”
“Stop! ” Hnat screamed with such a wild, desperate voice that a crow outside fell off a branch in fright.
“Don’t go anywhere. Unpack everything immediately! ”
“Hnat, why are you shouting? ” Zlata asked, honestly confused.
“Did something happen? ”
“Katya called the police and reported the car stolen! She named me as an accomplice. They’re going to arrest all of us.
Put us in jail, Zlata! ”
A heavy, interrupted breathing came from the other end. The phone was grabbed away. “Hnat, what are these stupid jokes?
” the commanding bass of his mother, Halyna Petrivna, roared. That voice usually blew down small buildings and broke the will of weak people. “What police? We’re going on vacation!
”
“Mom, stop the horses! ” the family hero bleated, sliding down the doorframe in the pose of a defeated gladiator. “Turn the car around. Now!
”
He hung up and looked at his wife like a beaten dog. “They’re coming back,” he whispered with dry lips. “Katya, call the dispatcher. Tell them the car was found.
”
“Only after my keys are lying right here on this table,” Katya said, tapping the wooden surface with her finger. “Until that minute, you are officially the leader of a car theft gang. ”
Twenty minutes passed. For Hnat, they stretched into an endless, animal-horror eternity.
He ran to the bathroom three times, drank two glasses of ice-cold water, and tried hysterically to hide his slippers under the sofa, as though they could serve as incriminating evidence for the investigator. Then the doorbell rang. It rang long, loud, and relentless, like a desperate woodpecker trying to break through the armored door. Hnat, feeling his soul retreat into his heels, shuffled on stiff legs to open it.
On the doorstep, filling half the stairwell, stood Halyna Petrivna. She was dressed in a loose, colorful summer dress with giant sunflowers, and her head was crowned with a wide-brimmed straw hat the size of a satellite dish. Behind her wide, reliable back, Zlata peeked out timidly, holding the keys with their familiar keychain. She was loudly sniffling, her mascara smeared into a hilarious but pathetic pattern that made her look like a sad raccoon caught red-handed.
They burst into the hallway like a sudden storm warning, sweeping everything in their path. “What is this circus you’ve staged here? ” Halyna Petrivna attacked from the threshold, her mighty chest heaving with righteous, as she believed, anger. “You ruined the whole vacation for your own child!
Calling the police! Instead of wishing your relatives a happy trip and a pleasant rest! ”
Katya didn’t change her icy, unflappable expression. She simply extended her hand, palm open.
“Keys on the table. Now. ”
Zlata swallowed nervously and, as if under deep hypnosis, obediently placed the Renault keys into her sister-in-law’s open palm. “Excellent.
” Katya calmly put them in the deep pocket of her housecoat. “Now listen carefully, dear tourists. If I ever see anyone from your family take my personal belongings without permission again, I will not just call the patrol. I will create such problems for you that you will walk on foot for the rest of your days, flinching at every siren.
”
“How dare you speak to me like this! ” the mother-in-law shrieked. “This is a family car! Hnat is your legal husband.
We are his closest family. So by all the rules, the car is ours too! ”
“Halyna Petrivna,” Katya said, leaning against the doorframe with casual irony. “You have a serious problem with elementary logic.
Or maybe the sun has baked your brain through that straw. The car is registered exclusively in my name. It was bought with my own money, long before I ever met your dear son. He has as much right to this car as I do to classical ballet.
That is, absolutely none. ”
Halyna Petrivna decided to play her last card. She thrust her jaw forward. “And what do you need a car for anyway?
You sit at home, you don’t go anywhere. Hnat doesn’t drive. But our Zlatochka needs to practice her driving skills! The roads in Zakarpattia are gorgeous.
Think of the scenery! ”
Katya almost admired the monumental, impenetrable nerve. Then she cut through it. “Zlatochka can practice her driving skills perfectly on a children’s go-kart track or at an arcade,” she snapped, her eyes narrowing.
“But smashing my car against someone else’s fences, I will not allow. You say I don’t need the car? And you, Mom, have that gorgeous Bohemian crystal set in your china cabinet. You’ve had it for years.
Do you ever eat from it? No. Give it to me. I’ll take it to the dacha and grow tomato seedlings in it.
For the joy of all the neighbors. ”
Halyna Petrivna nearly choked on her own outrage. Comparing her saintly, long-awaited vacation for her beloved daughter to some dishes? “You are a greedy, mercantile, heartless woman!
” the mother-in-law thundered, pointing a fat finger at Katya. “Hnat! Who did you bring into our house? She wants to send your own mother and sister to prison!
”
Hnat was pressing himself into the wallpaper, trying to merge with the unremarkable floral pattern. He wanted to be invisible. He wanted to be a dust mote. “Mom, why are you starting a conflict again?
” he mumbled pitifully, staring at the floor. “We’re objectively the ones to blame here. We should have just asked for permission. Katya really did call the police, you understand?
We nearly got a criminal record because of this trip! ”
“You pathetic rag,” Halyna Petrivna contemptuously stamped her own son. Then she turned to her daughter. “Zlata, let’s go.
My foot will never enter this miserable house again. We’ll go to the train station right now and buy the cheapest tickets. Third class. Upper bunks, next to the toilet.
Let her, the rich woman, feel ashamed of our suffering! ”
Zlata sobbed even louder, smearing the last of her makeup. “Go, go in peace,” Katya said with fake sympathy. “And be grateful I’m taking back my statement and not pressing charges.
Hnat, see the guests out. Help them with their bags, or our Zlatochka’s arms might fall off from the luggage. ”
Hnat nodded frantically, shoved his bare feet into sneakers, and was ready to carry anything. He was morally prepared to lay railway ties by hand, just to avoid any contact with law enforcement.
The three of them shuffled toward the elevator. Halyna Petrivna went first, chin high, each heavy step echoing through the entrance hall like the gait of a stone commander. Zlata trudged behind, sniffing, wiping her face. Hnat brought up the rear, dragging a giant plaid suitcase with beach towels and inflatable mattresses.
In the elevator, the silence was so thick, it felt like the plastic walls were about to melt. Hnat stared at the floor numbers. His fevered imagination painted the worst possible picture: doors open, there stands a special forces unit with machine guns, everyone face-down on the concrete, and Hnat, as the mastermind of the car theft syndicate, gets thrown into a police van. Meanwhile, Katya did not waste a second.
She went to the kitchen, opened the balcony door, and stepped out. Their apartment was on the second floor, and the view of the courtyard was phenomenal. Perfect seats for the comedy about to unfold. The morning sun was already beating down.
Sparrows chirped. A neighbor’s orange cat lazily scratched its ear, lying on the hood of the same rusty Lanos. Nothing in the world hinted at the epic absurdity that was about to take place. From the entrance, groaning under the weight, the gloomy trio emerged.
Halyna Petrivna, still muttering about ungrateful daughters-in-law and ruined nerves, walked toward the sidewalk like an icebreaker. Hnat, bent under the bag and his own sins, barely kept up. Then it happened. From around the corner of the building, straight toward the offended tourists, came two patrol police officers.
Black uniforms. They walked at a lazy pace, calmly chatting, nearly chewing gum. No flashing lights, no sirens. Just a routine patrol.
But for Hnat, whose nervous system was already hanging by a single thread, those two dark figures with badges became the horsemen of the apocalypse. His overheated brain put the puzzle together instantly. Katya called the police. They had arrived.
This is an ambush. They are intercepting the criminals at the exit, with all the stolen goods. It was over. The comedy was finished.
They’d be handcuffed and pressed face-down against the hot hood of the police car. “Mom! ” Hnat squeaked like a deflated balloon. He dropped the suitcase.
It crashed onto the asphalt, the zipper burst open, and a bright pink inflatable flamingo flopped out half-way, comically waving at the world. Halyna Petrivna froze. All her previous arrogance and authority evaporated in a split second. She stood still, unable to move.
Even the giant sunflowers on her dress seemed to wilt in terror. Zlata let out a tiny mouse-like squeak and instantly hid behind her mother’s broad back. The patrol officers were approaching, but they had absolutely no interest in this strange family. They were on their way to check a complaint from pensioners in the neighboring building.
But Hnat’s strained nerves had finally snapped. He heard the sound of a string being torn inside his head. The survival instinct, multiplied by a panicky fear of the law, commanded one correct move: unconditional surrender. Without a sound, Hnat spread his arms wide, as if for a hug, and fell face-down onto the hard dusty asphalt.
The thud of his body hitting the ground shook the yard. The cat darted off the hood and into the bushes. Hnat lay spread out like a crushed starfish, his trembling hands locked behind his head, his nose pressed into the road dust, waiting for the verdict. Halyna Petrivna, shocked beyond words, reflexively shot her hands up in surrender.
She did it with such force that her huge straw hat flew off her head like a flying saucer and rolled slowly down the street. Zlata, seeing her mother with raised hands and her brother flattened on the ground, began to howl at full volume. Crying, she lifted her arms to the cloudless Kiev sky as well, capitulating to justice. The patrol officers stopped.
They stared with undisguised bewilderment at this surrealist composition in the middle of a Kyiv courtyard. A grown man spread-eagled on the asphalt. Two women beside him, frozen like statues, with their hands up. And a bright pink flamingo sticking out of a suitcase.
Katya watched from the balcony, clutching her mouth with both hands to keep from laughing out loud. Her cheekbones ached. Tears of pure joy streamed down her face. A burly sergeant carefully approached the lying Hnat.
“Citizen, are you feeling unwell? ” he asked, pushing his cap back on his head. “I’m surrendering,” Hnat rustled into the asphalt without lifting his head. “I didn’t steal it.
I just gave her the keys. A confession lightens the guilt. ”
The second patrolman exchanged a look with his partner. “What confession, man?
What are you doing? ” the sergeant grunted, then glanced at the woman with raised hands. “You, ma’am, why are your hands in the air? Morning gymnastics?
”
“We are not hiding from justice,” the mother-in-law babbled, with an animal fear in her eyes. “We voluntarily return the daughter-in-law’s property. ”
The patrol officers now had clear doubts about these people’s mental state. “Maks, let’s go,” the second officer said quietly.
“Magnetic storms have hit their brains. If we call a psychiatric team, we’ll be writing paperwork until evening. ”
They carefully stepped around Hnat, rolled their eyes, and hurried to the neighboring entrance. “Citizens, remove your rubber bird from the road!
” one of them shouted back. Silence fell. Only the rustling of the straw hat, blown along the curb by the wind, broke it. Hnat carefully raised his head.
His nose was smeared with dust. A fresh red scratch decorated his forehead. No handcuffs clicked. “They left,” he croaked, not believing his own luck.
Halyna Petrivna slowly lowered her hands, like a rusty mechanism. Her face went patchy, red. She grabbed the flamingo by the neck, kicked the suitcase toward her son, and hissed:
“So I will never come to you again in my life! Zlata!
March behind me, we’ve disgraced ourselves in front of the whole neighborhood. ”
She snatched her daughter by the arm and dragged her toward the bus stop. Katya, finally laughing to the point of hiccups, leaned over the railing and called out sweetly: “Hnatyk! ”
He looked up.
His face was pathetic and battered. “What! ” he snapped. “Are you satisfied?
”
“I was risking my life for you! ”
“Come home, breadwinner. You need to wash up. And the sausage from the floor should be cleaned up by now.
”
When he shuffled back into the apartment, Katya was waiting in the hallway with a damp towel. Hnat wiped his face. “I will never forgive you for this,” he said. “You scared my mother half to death.
”
“It’s fine,” Katya shrugged. “Medicine is very affordable these days. ”
She took out her phone. The screen was dark.
It was dead. “What are you showing me the phone for? ” he asked. “See the trouble?
” she said, blinking innocently. “When I supposedly called the police, my phone was actually off. It ran out of battery during the night. ”
She turned the screen toward him.
The battery indicator was lit up, showing a pathetic two percent. The realization hit Hnat like a concrete slab. The broken nose. His terrified mother.
The patrol officers. And all because of a piece of dead plastic. “You didn’t call 102? ” he croaked.
“Not once. I’m not stupid enough to send a patrol on a false report. But you jumped into the asphalt face-first, champion swimmer that you are. ”
Hnat opened and closed his mouth.
No words came. He shuffled silently to the kitchen. From that day on, peace reigned in the family. Halyna Petrivna stopped calling someone else’s property “ours.
” Zlata forgot about the car. And Hnat, before promising anything, would long and carefully look at his wife. Sometimes, to rid yourself of shameless relatives, you don’t need real police.
All you need is a little imagination, an iron nerve, and a phone that ran out of battery at just the right moment.
